Over the past month and a half I feel like I've been on the worlds largest roller coaster, with no end in sight. Long downward drops, steep uphill climbs, fast corners that rip your head back and to the side, all the while trying to remain calm and optimistic.
I've spoken to many of you personally, through email, and text message. Keeping in contact with my friends and family are important to me. I don't want to be unplugged, unreachable, or locked away. I've received hundreds of prayers, well wishes, letters of encouragement, and tokens of support and friendship. You will never know or understand how much this helps me get through each day.
Connecting with each of you is just as therapeutic for me as I assume it is for you. I could not imagine trying to fight this fight without all of you at my side. I want everyone who is interested to know what's happening and stay connected (I assume that's the case if you are reading this.) And while I will continue to share updates and what is happening next, the level of detail is not important, in fact it causes me stress because I'm not able to answer everyone's questions, you guys are a smart bunch of cookies.
As I had mentioned a few days ago, we had a very important and critical meeting with a doctor to discuss the mountain of test data and talk about surgical options. We had the meeting. We talked about each option and each possibility. The bottom line after the meeting was it's a tough call. I don't want this to come across as a negative why me, why me, discussion. The plain truth is, this is a tough cancer, in a tough spot, combined with other health issues I have, makes surgery an even tougher and more risky proposition than we had hoped. And of course chemo and radiation are on the table as well. Neither is fun, and neither are the ultimate answer, because there just isn't one. It's picking the lesser of two evils so I can continue to fight a good fight.
One thing I've tried to remember is no one is to blame for this cancer, except possible choices I've made with my health. I'm not questioning my faith in God, not blaming God or anyone else for that matter. I don't have time, patience, or energy to blame. As most of my friends and family will attest, I'm someone who wants to move fast. I'm ready, have been ready, for several weeks, to get a treatment plan underway.
Please understand things like stage, phase, life expectancy, percentage, time frame, aren't important for our discussions. That's personal and private, and only cause me and my family stress having to discuss them over and over again. My sweet wife is dealing with something far beyond what either of us could have imagined at this time in our life. I'm heartbroken the worry, stress, and uncertainty this brings her, and the tough decisions we need to make. I'm heartbroken my children have to experience worry, stress and uncertainty about this as well.
I'm smelling the roses while I still can. Everyday grows more precious. I'm not worrying about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Doing the things we keep putting off for another day. That day is here.
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